i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
