This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
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I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
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I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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