Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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