so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you would pick up someone in the library
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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