Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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