Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
