im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
