My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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