You just made me feel so damn special
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
