either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
