our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
