I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
