I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
