8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I don't deserve a penis
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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