i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
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you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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