if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
