i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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