Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
