my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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