Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
God, I missed his penis.
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