Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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