I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
