Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
