dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
