i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
