just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
