Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
