i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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