marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
