I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
