Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
