I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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