I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
