i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
