I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
