Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
