Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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