I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
what is it with giant penises always finding me
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
third nipple confirmed
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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