Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
