im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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