where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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