Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
