Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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