at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
