I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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