my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
