my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
