if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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