so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
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Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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