oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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