girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
