You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
