i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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