Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Randomize
