Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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