I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
