Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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