I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
