I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
