So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
