I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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