is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
